This Next Serial Post is a Post About Cereal

It's been a while since I've added a post to this blog. I'm back in the saddle though. (Actually, I'm in the recliner. I often write sitting down and will continue to do so, until I learn standup comedy).

A great deal has happened in the last year -- much of it related to a health issue different from the car accident that inspired me to start this blog in the first place. (I don't want to get into it here, but the most recent health issue begins with "C" and ends with "R."  I'm more fortunate than many whose "C" ends with "Death").

If you or a loved one has ever had that big "C," you may have spent some time worrying about food chemicals and additives.  I certainly have.  But I'm not going to let a little Red Dye #40, corn syrup, or BHT ruin my day. Suddenly it hit me today that I could beat the blues by writing some satire about processed foods:

TOP 10 CEREALS THAT NEVER MADE IT PAST MARKET TESTING:

1. Froot Quadrilaterals
Researchers at MIT concluded that kids wouldn't be able to say it. "Froot Trapezoids" was also under consideration and also never made it to the shelves.

2. I-Can't-Count Chocula
Originally marketed as "Five-Finger-Discount Chocula," the "I-Can't-Count Chocula" brand was mainly marketed to children under 4. 

3. Dreary-Os
Sigh. The people most likely to buy this cereal weren't going to get out of bed for breakfast anyway.

4. Cyanide Puffs
There's so much sugar in cereal, some people didn't see what the big deal was about adding some cyanide, but focus group members didn't seem to come back after the taste test.

5.  Fruity Boulders
After a rocky start, company officials nixed the very large packaging concept.

6. Frosted Snowflakes
Grocers south of Alaska complained that the cereal had melted by the time they got their shipments.

7. Mind Trix
Don't let anyone tell you this cereal isn't healthy.  It's very, very good for you. Millions of other people swallowed the hype, and you should too.You are hungry for Mind Trix.

8.  Private First Class Crunch
For the veteran consumer, this one just didn't make the cut.

9.  Unlucky Charms
Focus groups worried that the cereal could be the target of lawsuits, due to its toxic preservatives and diabetes risk. Luckily for the company, they were able to sugar-coat its downsides, change the name, and sell lots of it, with the help of a cute little leprechaun.

10. Death Cereal
They changed the name to "Life" after the spokesperson, Mikey, said about Death that he "didn't like it." Cereal companies were also afraid to put Death on the shelves next to Dreary-Os, out of fear that someone might attempt suicide by eating pop rocks with soda.  If you are younger than 30, you may not understand these references, so I've provided context here: http://urbanlegends.about.com/od/fooddrink/a/little_mikey.htm.

Suddenly I Don't Know Where I Am

YOWZA!

Two weeks ago, I was driving in the city where I live and had a spell of amnesia.  Nothing looked familiar.  I had no idea where I was, how I got there, or where I was going.

Let’s say this was unsettling, and not in the same way that finding ants crawling in your Big Mac is unsettling.   It was terrifying, like how it would be if A Nightmare on Elm Street was real, except… What the hell is Elm Street and do I live there or on Sycamore?

My cell phone battery had died, so I couldn’t even call for help.  And anyway, how do you tell people to rescue you when you don’t know where they should go?  (“Hi… can you come and get me?  I’m in my car.  On a street.  I see some pine trees.  Oh and there’s a German Shepherd”).   Yeah, I was S.O.L. until I got my bearings, which probably was only a few minutes, but nonetheless, the experience “drove home” the fact that I’ve still got some cognitive challenges.

Interestingly, though, my brain still grasps abstraction and allegory quite well.  After I got home from being lost, I cried, recharged my cell phone, took some deep breaths, and then SUDDENLY IT HIT ME:  Major life upheavals of any kind are a bit like amnesia while driving.  You think you know where you’re going, then—BAM!—a close family member dies, or you lose the job you’ve held for 15 years, or your house burns down and you lose all your childhood photos and your Freddie Kruger DVDs.  Suddenly, your five-year career plan, or your hope for love everafter, or your expectation that you’ll take care of your health once the kids leave the nest,  gets overshadowed by the realization that there is no guarantee that your destination will even be there someday down the road.

I cannot say for sure if and when I’ll regain my previous (may I add excellent) ability to remember names, dates, stories, and places.  I don’t know if and when I’ll stop having crying jags in the middle of social gatherings because suddenly I cannot recognize people’s faces.  All I can do is wait, summon my inner resources, and take notice of the details around me and the progress I’ve made.  Today, I stayed awake for 12 hours without needing a nap, when just two months ago I could only manage six hours.  I no longer have double vision, like I did before;  in fact, I can see that on the carpet are two ants crawling toward a piece of Dorito…

How is it that ants can find a crumb 20 yards away?  That would be like me sensing food all the way in Kansas and driving there from Ohio.