A great deal has happened in the last year -- much of it related to a health issue different from the car accident that inspired me to start this blog in the first place. (I don't want to get into it here, but the most recent health issue begins with "C" and ends with "R." I'm more fortunate than many whose "C" ends with "Death").
If you or a loved one has ever had that big "C," you may have spent some time worrying about food chemicals and additives. I certainly have. But I'm not going to let a little Red Dye #40, corn syrup, or BHT ruin my day. Suddenly it hit me today that I could beat the blues by writing some satire about processed foods:
TOP 10 CEREALS THAT NEVER MADE IT PAST MARKET TESTING:
1. Froot Quadrilaterals
Researchers at MIT concluded that kids wouldn't be able to say it. "Froot Trapezoids" was also under consideration and also never made it to the shelves.
2. I-Can't-Count Chocula
Originally marketed as "Five-Finger-Discount Chocula," the "I-Can't-Count Chocula" brand was mainly marketed to children under 4.
3. Dreary-Os
Sigh. The people most likely to buy this cereal weren't going to get out of bed for breakfast anyway.
4. Cyanide Puffs
There's so much sugar in cereal, some people didn't see what the big deal was about adding some cyanide, but focus group members didn't seem to come back after the taste test.
5. Fruity Boulders
After a rocky start, company officials nixed the very large packaging concept.
6. Frosted Snowflakes
Grocers south of Alaska complained that the cereal had melted by the time they got their shipments.
7. Mind Trix
Don't let anyone tell you this cereal isn't healthy. It's very, very good for you. Millions of other people swallowed the hype, and you should too.You are hungry for Mind Trix.
8. Private First Class Crunch
For the veteran consumer, this one just didn't make the cut.
9. Unlucky Charms
Focus groups worried that the cereal could be the target of lawsuits, due to its toxic preservatives and diabetes risk. Luckily for the company, they were able to sugar-coat its downsides, change the name, and sell lots of it, with the help of a cute little leprechaun.
10. Death Cereal
They changed the name to "Life" after the spokesperson, Mikey, said about Death that he "didn't like it." Cereal companies were also afraid to put Death on the shelves next to Dreary-Os, out of fear that someone might attempt suicide by eating pop rocks with soda. If you are younger than 30, you may not understand these references, so I've provided context here: http://urbanlegends.about.com/od/fooddrink/a/little_mikey.htm.
